X-RATED MEN: VILLAINS

Where ever there is goodies there always has to be baddies and they aren't without their defects too.

Magneto can control metal and is  pure fanny magnet!

Mystique shows why she keeps changing herself into other people

Sabertooth shows his more feminine side and changes name to Saberpuff

The Juggernaught and his massive jugs!

The X-Rated Men

The original X-Men have mutated into a bunch of sex pests and deviants in the next evolution of their DNA!


(click pictures to enlarge image)

Professor X-Rated founder member and dirty perve

Cyclops or Cycocks as he likes to be known now

Wolverine loves to make the ladies scream

Storm controls the weather however not her bladder

Beast is into bestiality 

Rogue starts to live up to her own name 

Iceman code-name: Frosty cock

Nightcrawler becomes a kerb-crawler looking for brass

Jean Gray loves to spray from her ample breasts!

Part 12 - Jokes

Why did the zombie cross the road?

To get away from the mackem gobshite.

What do you call an alien who is fat bastard?

Extra Cholesterol.

Why did the smoggie boy lead a bunch of aliens to his pervy looking uncle?

Because he thought they said take me to your feeler!!!

Why did the mackem cross the road that was over run by zombies?

To get to Primark that had a sale on.

Why did the mackem cross the road?

To take care of some monkey business!

What do you call a gay Muslim extremist?

A suicide bummer.

What do you call a bunch of monkeys walking around Newcastle?

Away fans on derby day

What do you call an alien who likes to wear women’s clothes?

Extra transsexual.

A Geordie extremist has appeared in Newcastle crown court for an act of terrorism.  The court heard how he held up a mosque with 20 pounds of pork sausages strapped to his chest.

Little mackem kid asks his mother “did I descend from monkey’s mam?”

To which the mother replied “I don’t know son I can’t remember who ya dad was!”

Saturday afternoon it’s a busy bar in Newcastle city centre in walks a zombie and starts going berserk and tries to bite everyone calms himself down and sits at the bar and the manager says “alreet kidda what can I get for you?” the zombie orders a pint and a side order of brains.  Five minutes later a alien strolls in making a right nuisance of himself zapping people with his ray gun and threatens to probe all the young lasses in the bar then parks his arse next to the zombie and the manger says “afternoon sir what will it be?” alien orders a cocktail and sips away.  Not long after that a crazed extremist suited with explosives kicks the door in and shouts for all the people in bar to get down on the ground or he will blow the place up.  The manger of the bar says “c’mon lad sit down next to these two and have a drink on me you look like you’ve had a bad day” the mad Muslim does just that sits at the bar and orders a mineral water.

All is well until a mackem walks in the bar and politely asks for a pint of cider to which the barman quickly replies FUCK OFF YER BARRED!!!!    

Part 11 - Glossary

Here is a non alphabetical list of places, people and terms used to help translate some of our native vocabulary – some have been thrown in for no reason!

Newcastle - The rose in the crown of the north-east.

Sunderland - The anus of England, home to mackems.

Geordies - Salt of the earth people of reasonable intelligence, passionate about a mediocre football team.

Mackems - Bitter and twisted individuals who live in the shadows of Newcastle.  Love karaoke and blonde tips in their hair.

Newcastle UTD –  Geordies 1st love and everyone’s favourite 2nd team (well we like to think so anyway)

Sunderland A.F.C. - Shit football team that no fucker cares about.

St. James Park - Mecca of the north where 52,000 Geordies flock to each week.

Stadium of Light – Home to Sunderland football club and also the world’s largest public toilet.

Monkeys heed - Reference to Peter Reid former Sunderland a.f.c manager who bore an uncanny resemblance to a chimpanzee.

Toon Army - Nickname of Newcastle UTD.

The Black Cats – Shite nickname of Sunderland.

Smoggies – Highly unusually beings with cock-eyes, 4 nipples and other deformities brought on my lack of sunlight due to thick layer of smog shadowing over the town of Middlesbrough.

 Zombies – Angry beyond belief and always hungry have a particular taste for human brains.

Aliens – Visitors from another planet have a fetish for probing humans and like to blow up buildings of epic proportions (Byker wall anyone?)

Cannibals – Men who eat each other, not to be confused with gays!

Cyborgs – Half man, half machine for example Stephen Hawking but more agile.

Radgy’s – All so known as charva’s or chavs in the south much more of a nuisance then any of the above but harder to exterminate.

David Charlton – Horrible ginger bastard from wearside made infamous by his dirty protests in Strangeways prison.

Johnny Decker – North Tyneside legend in poncing free tabs and pints.

Geordie dancer – Dancing imbecile from City Vaults bar.

Tabs – Cigarettes

Gadgy – Man

Chiv – Small knife

Bairn – Child

Deed – Dead

Clamming – Hungry

Lag – Piss

Dangle berries – Mans testicles

Spunk farter – Gay man

Gypo – Gypsy or Pikey

Quayside – Situated on the bank of the river Tyne loaded with bars and restaurants (posh end of the Newcastle)

Bigg market – Popular drinking spot for young piss heads.

Haymarket – Another drinking area of Newcastle for older piss heads.

Westend – Ruff end of Newcastle and home too many notorious nutters.

Byker – Best described as an oversized run down Legoland.

Metro Centre – A labyrinth of shops was Gateshead’s only selling point before the Angle of the north was erected.

Fenwick’s – Department store in the centre of Newcastle Popular with shoplifters.

Greggs – Founded in Newcastle and has been making Geordies fat as fuck since 1939.

Hoppings – Travelling fair ground biggest in Europe which also brings 6 inches of rainfall in the middle of June every year.

Argos – Harrods for northerners.

F.Y.E.O. – For your eyes only, Premier lap dancing club where you can sample some of Newcastle’s finest snatch.

Diamond strip – A row of bars made unpopular by TV programme Geordie shore.

Metro – Like a train service but trampier!

Ram raiding – Shoplifting on wheels.

T.W.O.C. – Taking without consent

Facebook – Social networking website that’s been ending relationships since 2004.

CCTV footage from Nexus Metro service moments before a bomb explosion 

Part 10 - Films for reference

Getting ready for a catastrophe the last thing that would be on your list of things to do would be watching films, well think again they could save your life…or not.

George A. Romero the godfather of zombie flicks you couldn’t start anywhere better from the classics all the way through to the modern day B-Movies.

Take your pick when it comes to alien films id recommended the likes of Independence day (I know its crap and has Will Smith in it but this is homework people) also something a bit off the wall like Mars Attacks a tongue in cheek comedy but just watch how evil them little shit-houses are and take notes.

Its going to be like a chimps tea party if the monkeys take over so a start getting the Planet of the apes films and sequels watched too. 

Monkey headed rulers in the north east – sound familiar to anyone?

Baron waste grounds in Newcastle don’t think so! Boro well nowt new there then but were not on about now.  Mad Max trilogy is your next stop unfortunatly for you that means having to watch the last one with Tina Turner and the annoying kids in.

I am legend – One mans quest to survive with only the company of his dog just vision that the dog is your lass (shouldn’t be too hard).

Night of the comet – Easily one of the campest films of this genre so crap in fact you would have a mini mission trying to find this on DVD in the first place.

Resident evil – This film begins with the world overrun by flesh eating zombies then focus switches to the main character a women who is as hard as the skin on your Granny’s feet chinning blokes with ease sounds far fetched until you actually encounter the women of Walker in the east end of Newcastle.

Book of Eli – I have watched this film before but cant actually remember what it was all about but a lot of aimless roaming around deserted former cities that have been wiped out while trying to avoid being robbed of there possessions.  Now deserts are few and far between up in the north of England due to the rain fall but you can soak up some tips on avoiding scavenging cunts there is plenty around where I live now.

Matrix trilogy – Over 6 hour’s worth of head fucking plot and over the top action.  Analogy would be this if you were faced with the choice between living in a dream world where Newcastle sat comfortably at the top of the English Premiership or live in a world without football which would you choose?  If you decide to take the blue pill rather than the red pill just bear in mind you could be stuck with a hard on for 12 hours!

Neo has overdosed on the little blue pills!

28 days later – Most realist take on a zombie infested world and how to get from day to day almost a survival guide on its own.  Infection has spread faster than a dose of genital warts around a bunch of teenage friends. It’s the classic story of boy wakes up meets zombies then meets girl avoids zombie’s meets man and another girl, man then stops another man raping girl then man and zombies save day that old nutshell.

Terminator films – In my eyes Arnie is god and if he wanted to kill me it would be an honourable death but if your not like me and most aren’t then these films should be watched for instructions on how to keep out of the clutches of a soulless mechanically killing machine.  These films often Zip back to what a modern day civilization would be like when world has been tipped upside down on its head but at least they have laser guns in the future.

Terminators try and blend in with the locals

Best of the rest….

Here is a handful of more films to sink teeth into this curious compilation of films are the types you find covered in dust in an old cabinet on VHS or the DVD’s you can in HMV for 3 for a tenner lets get rid of surplus stock shite.

Deep Impact – Fast forward to the last 20 mins the rest is as dull as dishwater.

Armageddon – Space travel on wages paid in Newcastle not in my lifetime.  Not sure if this film other than its title has any relevance mind!

2012 – Special affects by the bucket load, accuracy – nil points!!!

Day after tomorrow – The dawning of a new ice age.

Waterworld – High budget but with a very wet plot.

War of the worlds – Another aliens come to earth to blow things up.

Day the earth stood still – See above!

Hurt locker – Also about blowing us up but a bit closer to home.

Sum of all fears – Blowing shit up again, seems to be a pattern emerging.

Flight 93 – 9/11 attacks, a cheesy but moving tale.

Cyborg – Van Damme at his very worst in this apocalyptic dross.

Monsters – Strange giant aliens take over the world, utter drivel

Men in Black - Alien capers staring that man again Will Smith (one for the kids)

Bambi…….just checking!!! 

The Men in Black make a visit to the westend of Newcastle

Part 9 - Weapons & supplies

Weapons

(If you can find half of these in Newcastle I will take my hat off to you!)

AK-47

Uzi 9mm

sawn of shotgun

chainsaw

smith & weston magnum

catapult

machete

golf club

ninja star

monkey wrench

whip

bow and arrow

flick knife

plank of wood with a nail in it

spud gun and maris piper ammo

knuckle duster 

tank

rocket launcher

electric meat carver 

claw hammer

plastic explosive

supersoaker

axe

nunchucks

baseball bat

cross bow

canon

apache helicopter

grenades

samurai sword

missile

conker soaked in vinegar

joust

gladiator net

Survival kit ideas…..

Swiss army knife

Zippo lighter

Torch

Tin opener

Tweezers

Flask

Calculator watch

Fishing rod + bait

First aid kit

Kagool or Pac-a-Mac

Gas mask

Map

Bum-bag (practical even if not fashionable)

Tesco carrier bag

Insect repellent

Clean pair of underpants

Razor

Leatherman (not him from the Village people!)

Poop scoop

CB Radio

Flares (not trousers!)

Vibrator

Remington fuzz-away

Sewing kit

Snuggy

Imodium tablets

Tin of sardines

Mobile phone with credit

Rope

Travel kettle

Inflatable dingy

Compass

Screwdriver

Radiation suit

Red bull

Sleeping bag

Night vision goggles

Sharpie magic marker pen

Cuddly toy

Part 8 - Passing the time

Being bitter and twisted about the harsh hand you have been dealt is just going to make you a total nut job so you will need to chillout and try and make the best out of a shite situation.  How you may ask well its simple unwind and have fun there is so much stuff you could getting up to it could fill another crap blog like this one. 

Your living in a world without boundaries here the rule book has truly been ripped up (and used to wipe your arse on when ran out of bog roll).

Organize a 5-a-side football match competition is going to be scare so round up the same amount of walking dead and kit them out in Sunderland’s latest strip these are easy to find at the bottom of the bargain bucket in sports direct up the Silverlink.  This might sound a bit cruel to the zombies but they are deed so wont know any different.       You are the home side so it’s a no brainer to be togged out in the black and white colours of your beloved NUFC.

Now you all look the part, walk out of St. James Park to the sounds of ‘local hero’ on your stolen iPod and speakers from Argos and your ready for kick off.

Now these dozy bastards are not going to be into the game as you are so advise you strap a couple of bits of fresh meat to the football to get them a bit excited.  This will be a total lopsided competition if you don’t tie up the zombie goalkeeper as the docile fucker will often walk off his line and leave an open goal a baby walker will fix this inconvenience.  Have a heart at the end of the game to put the makeshift black cats out of their misery as well (if only this was a possibility for the current team)

Go retro by ram raiding shops, Newcastle’s innovative creation back in the early 90’s until CCTV caught on.  Roll back the years in a Ford Cortina reversing into a shop while you help yourself to all the goods in store while pumping out Utah Saints on the stereo.

 Pornography:

God knows how look it will be before you get your dick wet again so recommend a good hardcore porn stash also make sure to have your DVD remote ready so you can fast forward the story parts.

Playstation or Xbox:

Gaming to pass the time away certainly a bad choice would be to get a Nintendo Wii as its no fun playing on your own you could try training a zombie how to play and use a control pad will be a lot easier then showing your Granny.