This is a standard survival guide but some of the situations we could face in the future could include a nuclear strike from an apposing country sounds doubtful and a bit 60’s retro but I am sure if Sunderland had the capabilities I will give you one guess which way their nukes would be pointing. A chemical outbreak turning people into rabid zombies unlikely but is it scientifically possible I don’t know best off asking a scientist. Most realistic could be some fanatical extremist terrorist setting off a roadside bomb on Northumberland Street then we would be right in the shit.
What if we pissed off the Muslims and they planned a Jihad on our humble city, brings tears to my eyes the thought of watching a vexed Al-Qaeda follower piloting a jumbo jet into St. James Park sending it crashing to the ground.
Invasions from other planets, surely we humans can’t be so smug to think we are the only life in the universe!
This section will outline some of the threats we possibly could face and how to deal with them.
ZOMBIES:
Smelly horrible creatures who wear raggy clothes, no not smoggies the dreaded walking dead. Slow as shit but attack in crowds much like hooligans after the match except there isn’t anything organised about meets with these filthy beasts and they play dirty watch out for biting.
They are as thick as pig’s cacky, angry and always frigging starving,
This unsatisfiable appetite is unrivalled even by your token fat mate who can polish off 10 plates in an all you can eat Chinese buffet on Stowell Street. One bite is all it takes to become one of them only way to stop these ravenous twats is to take their head clean of the shoulders in the same way you would if walked in on your daughter’s bedroom and some spotty little radgey was trying to get his digits in her draws under your own roof.
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| Decapitation is best way to kill zombies |
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Its also a handy way of disposing mackems too
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ALIENS:
Alien’s have always been shown as volatile beings and but im sure Newcastle isn’t at the top of their places to visit but after they are done with Washington DC I reckon we are next.
Distinct lack of clothing is a benefit as no concealed weaponry however watch out for these little fuckers they may look cute but I wouldn’t turn my back on them as likely to stick a probe straight up your arse.
Lasers or ray guns are a major problem one zap off them bad boys and your away in a puff of smoke so cant be shouting “its just a flesh wound” to look hard when fending off these extra terrestrial shit houses.
I’m pretty sure some everyday substance will be lethal to these visitors from another planet but you will have to discover what that is before they take over the toon, something hidden in the back of your home cabinets like toilet duck, windowlene or marmite one taste of that stuff and they will be back to where they come from in the speed of light.
There is a chance they have been living amongst us for years take one look into the Percy arms pub in the Haymarket tell me that doesn’t look like the bar in Star wars. If they landed and turned out to be decent lads the potential dangers are always still there so here is some suggestions to take them places to keep them sweet:-
Bigg Market:
Get them pissed and get them a shag, birds in the biggie will go with anything.
St. James Park:
A home game against a bottom half of the table opposition so Newcastle Utd have a realistic chance of winning just think a defeat could be devastating for all.
Laing/Baltic art galleries:
No not my thing either but you have nowt in common with martians to start with so they might well love it.
Metro Centre:
Treat them to some new clothes walking around in the buff all day with very little genitalia cant be doing any good for their confidence and the place is big enough so if turn out to be wankers can easily lose them somewhere.
The Gate:
Food and drink to keep the little bastards happy aliens that is not the kids I mean. Then take a trip to the Empire cinema on the top floor just don’t watch any science fiction bollocks don’t want to give them any ideas!
The Tyne:
Take a stroll along the Quayside and see if they admire the beautiful architecture of the famous bridges on Tyneside. Saying that if they have flown halfway across the Milky Way pretty sure a bridge isn’t going to be admired by our new found green friends.
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A geordie gives a biology lesson to one of his mates
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| City vaults very own Geordie dancer gets his comeuppance |
Killer Robots:
Computers have gone haywire and want to take over the world and I don’t mean your Playstation has grown a pair of legs and wants to kill you in your sleep. Artificial intelligence with an attitude problem, some dick head has made a super computer with a superiority complex and wants to rid the world of humans except nobody thought about turning the thing off at the wall when it starts its lip up. The world is on its knees and all that’s left is a pocket full of survivors fending off 6 footer robots via a rebel alliance (remind you of a certain film by any chance?)
Cyborgs are agile creations a lot harder to get away from then good old Darleks so stay well out of the road or you’re getting torn a new arsehole if caught.
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The people of Newcastle fight back!
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| Dalek's don't say much but when they do they make pure sense |
Giant Monsters or Dinosaurs:
Don’t act the hero and just run for your life and leave all others behind hopefully they will get munched first and then they will be too full to scran you as well.
Planet of the Monkeys:
Some how primates are no longer our mates anymore they want to make us their bitches and stick us in cages, well il be fucked if im doing back flips for treats for no fucker and I hope you will feel the same.
Maybe its something in the water in Sunderland that has turned all the residents into monkeys their football club was once ran by one so could be the explanation.
Mass Flood:
Danger involving a flood of epic proportions is a realistic possibility and I don’t just mean in Cumbria. Get up high stay out of the way of rushing water and get in plenty of sandbags ( I have no idea where the hell you buy sandbags from its not something i have ever needed in the past)
Extremist Attack:
I’m positive a bunch of third world radicals could not bring the world to its knees but as we saw on 9/11 they could bring a city to a standstill and cause catastrophic chaos. Mind you we do well to keep out of all this religious bollocks in Newcastle but how quick the tides could turn just like they did with countries like Denmark and Sweden over some drawings of the Prophet Muhammad.
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| Extremists head towards the civic centre in Newcastle, hardly the world trade centre!!! |
A few golden rules to prevent a terrorist attack:-
1. Don’t sit next to anyone on a bus who might be making a ticking noise
2. Any bag left unattended don’t be tempted to pick it up and have a deek inside its not going to be filled with money that never happens.
3. Tackle anyone who messes around with their shoes too many times Reebok pumps haven’t been around for 20 years now so no need to be fiddling with footwear in public
4. Anyone who is shuffling around too much in the seat next to you on public transport and doesn’t look gay is a risk. There is a good possibility that they have some kind of explosive up their back passage just imagine if it goes off and you get doused in human excrement get out of there quick before his dirty bomb goes off
Skavengers & Canibals:
Other survivors may not be as civil as your good self so be wary of others they will always appear to be friendly then twoc your gear in a heartbeat. Don’t be leaving your front door unlocked not that anyone ever does these days anyway. In a world without rules peoples characters can go down two very different roads that of a survivor who looks to make the most of the life ahead of them and craves the normality of real life to be restored. Then the other is a very different beast indeed somehow another part of the brain is unlocked and the person who could well have been a boring sod in his previous life becomes almost feral and with an agenda to rape and pillage.
If Armageddon did come true humans would be virtual distinct and food supplies will naturally run low and our primary objective to live is to eat and you know your self that when your clamming you would eat a scabby horse but could you eat a scabby homosapien? Some tricks you could do to prevent yourself being on someone else’s menu would be to not eat anything strong smelling for example garlic as this will make your aroma even more appealing to the ravenous. Better still would be to walk around smeared in your own cacky who on gods green earth is going to want to eat something covered in head to foot in its own faeces and your way too big to be run under the tap before cooking so as extreme as it may sound but should work a treat.
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| Cannibals take a rain check on eating Davey Charlton after one of his dirty protests |
Road warrior gangs:
During the 80’s many of these apocalyptic films came out most famously the mad max trilogy and some awful B-movie stuff focusing on road warrior style gangs driving up and down waste lands taking whatever they could get their hands on like modern day Vikings on wheels.
The best way to stay out of the paths of these villains would be to stay clear of the roads - simple!
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| Geordie granny road warrior - not to be messed with! |
Meteors/New Ice Age:
Showers of rocks and boulders crash to earth and wipe out the human race just like they did millions of years ago and put an end to the Dinosaur era. Well if medieval philosophers are correct that might well happen again with would start the dawn of a new ice age waving goodbye to summer not that we get much warm weather up our neck of the woods anyway. Horrendous conditions and 365 days of snow sounds like a nightmare as most the country crumbles when a inch lies on our roads during winter at our present climate but being Geordies we will survive even if that means the girls get icicles hanging off their fanny’s while wearing mini skirts on a Saturday night drinking session.
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| Geordies don't feel the cold |
